Hey loves, I hope you’re swell! This week, I share some free writing I did as part of a writing retreat a few days ago. We had 20 minutes to write. No prompt, just whatever came to mind. So this is what I found myself writing. Enjoy xx
Thursday 17th August 2023
As I write this, I am 6 weeks sober.
I’ve been trying to look after myself more lately after not really doing much of that in the last few years and so reducing my alcohol intake was always something that I knew I would have to consider at some point.
Drinking, or rather, binge-drinking has been a significant part of my formative years growing up and it’s also a big part of working in the entertainment industry - there are networking events, informal meetings, parties, film screenings, film festivals etc etc - most of them have alcohol on tap. You want to show the people that you want to work with that you’re fun and a joy to be around and so drinking allows you to lose inhibition and have a good time. For the most part. It’s fun until it’s not.
When I decided to have a break from drinking I was expecting to feel better in myself. I was looking forward to the absence of a hangover the day after a social event, I was looking forward to better quality sleep, potentially clearer skin and a clearer mind. These are things that I’ve been told about by other friends of mine who have taken the plunge into sobriety.
I’m yet to see most of the benefits that I was expecting, but I am discovering things about myself that have been a rude but necessary awakening. So here are a few of the things that I’ve learnt about myself in the last 6 weeks.
I have often used alcohol to mask emotional feelings that I didn’t want to deal with.
I have used alcohol to feel less awkward in social settings and have felt like I couldn’t have a good time if I hadn’t had a drink.
Until recently, I had never been on a date that didn’t involve alcohol and the best date that I’ve been on was a few weeks ago when I was completely sober.
I feel less foggy which has meant I have had clarity about lots of things both good and not so good and without alcohol, I have been forced to tackle them head on.
Between you and I, I think giving up alcohol is part of the bigger picture of where I’m currently at. I’ve been on a 10 month journey of figuring things out, of stripping things away that weren’t good for me and rebuilding. I’ve always been so self assured and confident in my next moves but recently I’ve been neither of those things. I’ve second guessed myself endlessly, I’ve felt inadequate about my work, the things I’m writing, my whole career. I’ve felt like a fraud more times than I’ve felt confident and somehow I feel like a failure despite there being zero evidence to back that up. I feel lonely and I know that’s because I’ve moved to a new city and I’m trying to figure that out and find my community and make friends here. I know that it’s normal. And as a side note, they never tell you that moving somewhere new and trying to make friends is one of the most freakin’ hardest things ever so if you’re one of those people moving someplace without knowing anyone, just know that I see you and I’m proud of you, that is no mean feat at all!!
Confiding in friends who mean it when they say they’re only a phone call away regardless of the time zone has helped me realise that I’m not the only one to feel these things. For most of the people who have similar goals to me or are just trying to make a living with their creative work, these wonderfully talented and driven people all share those pesky feelings of inadequacy, imposter syndrome and loneliness.
Right now, some of my closest pals are weighing up whether the places they’re currently living in are right for them. Whether partners are right for them or the relationships have run their course. I have other friends who are planning major moves to different cities and countries. I have friends who are trying out new careers, friends who it’s an honour to see thriving and being their true selves and being celebrated for that, friends expecting little ones and friends who are still figuring things out.
It has been a comfort to me to know that we are all collectively going through something. It doesn’t have to be grandiose to be significant.
It doesn’t have to be grandiose to be significant.
I wrote that twice because I need to remind myself of this. I think I have a complex where I think that everything that I do with my life has to have some elaborate meaning to it. Whilst I do strongly believe in purpose and signs and wonders and all of that stuff, I do also have to remember that sometimes, things are shit and there’s no meaning for it, it’s just one of those days. I have to remember that the same thing can be said for the art that I make. Sometimes, the words that I write will be shit. There are and there will be countless pages that will never amount to anything and that’s OK. There are countless amounts of projects that will probably never get made into anything at all and that’s also OK. And just because someone asks for information on what you’re working on, it doesn’t mean that you have to tell them.
I think what I’ve realised in these last 10 months is that I’ve lost a little bit of the reasoning and the boundaries for what I write and why I decided to change the way I work and live in order to suit a lifestyle of writing and creating. I think I’ve allowed myself to take the eye off my lane and I’ve steered into someone else’s. Constantly watching what they’re doing, what their successes are, how they do things. Being consumed by the things that people are or aren’t saying about me and feeling this pang of insecurity when something I’ve written or posted doesn’t get as much of an audience appeal as I’d have liked it to. I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t do the things that I want to do because somebody else is doing them and in reaching that stage, I have in turn killed a part of the passion that I had for the things that I love which is insulting to the things that I’ve sacrificed in the process of getting to where I currently am. I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself about this until now. I think it’s been gnawing at me frequently and I think it’s been something that I probably would have numbed with alcohol previously.
This isn’t intended to be a pity party piece. I think this is me finally being honest with myself about where I’m currently at. I want my work to be vulnerable. I say a lot in the things I make and I know I go against the grain often. But I have to stop allowing people who I would never go to for advice dictate to me how I feel about my work and my life. I have to show up for myself and myself only. I make the things I make because it’s the things that I want to see out in the world and that should be my focus. I am and always will be a justice warrior and so I’m no longer going to shy away from that to make someone else feel comfortable.
I watched a magnificent interview with Jay Shetty and Tom Holland recently, I massively recommend it.
There’s a line that Tom says that has really struck a chord with me :
If you have a problem with me, text me, and if you don’t have my number, you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me.
I’ve been sitting worrying about people’s opinions of me. Granted, some people may have my number for a multitude of different reasons but honestly, there’s a tiny percentage of people in my contact list who I would go to for advice or whose opinion of what I do is really significant to me. They are the people who matter and everyone else, I shouldn’t be worrying about. I think because I’ve been so vocal about my big dreams and I’m very driven to get them, people are expecting them to happen quickly and people also believe that they have a right to know every little detail. I think I’ve allowed that to happen for too long now and I need to nip that in the bud.
So I guess, this bit of unexpected long form writing is a renewal of my faith in myself and my abilities to do things. It’s time to get back in my lane and it’s time to stop letting irrational phobias get to me in a way that stops me from doing the things I know I need to do. It’s OK to not be shouting from the rooftops about everything that I’m up to, it’s OK to not be posting on social media all the time, I’m probably going to have another social media break- I don’t think it’s good for me at all.
I’m getting back to my own timeline instead of everyone else’s. I don’t owe anyone anything, aside from the ones I have the deadlines with.
At the Emmy’s a few years ago, the beautifully talented Micheala Coel dedicated her acceptance speech to writers. I wrote it on a post it note which has since been lost in the move but it’s words that I remember now:
“Write the tale that scares you. That makes you feel uncertain. That isn’t comfortable. I dare you. In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to in turn feel the need to be constantly visible — for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success — don’t be afraid to disappear from it, from us, for a while and see what comes to you in the silence.” - Michaela Coel
My challenge to myself in this next season, however long it may be, is to show up where I need to show up and to disappear from the places where I don’t need to waste energy right now. To move in the embrace of silence and show up for my art, for myself and for the people who matter.
Everyone else can wait.
(sorry this part isn’t in the audio!!)
Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.
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☕ Keep my hydrated as I put the world to rights by buying me a cuppa here ☕
LOVE THIS! Get back in your beautiful lane baby. Stick the car in reverse on this thinking "I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t do the things that I want to do" then do a majestic wheelspin to turn your chassis around and speed off towards the horizon with the music ear-burstingly loud and the soft top down...
"I have to stop allowing people who I would never go to for advice dictate to me how I feel about my work and my life"
So much love to you for every part of this post! So proud to call you my friend 🧡🧡🧡